I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
