ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
