i love accidental penises.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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