I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
