the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Mom said you looked used
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
