Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
send nudes
from the living room?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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