so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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