What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
