my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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