Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
