So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
