I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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