an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
