You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
