It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
