It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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