i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
