Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
