What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
