apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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