he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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