She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
