I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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