I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
