I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
