The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
