I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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