fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I did not marry a roomba.
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