party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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