I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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