Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I touched a dick in church today
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
