ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
