he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
zippers are such a cool invention
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
