Got a toothbrush?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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