Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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