He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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