I murdered the dance floor call the cops
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
