I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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