im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
