i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
