I accidentally burped into my bong.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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