Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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