I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
