yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
