Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
