Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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