He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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