My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
