Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
