Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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