maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
