I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
