Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
